America loves pornography. It is the indelible tan line on the national character. If pornography were in the running for the Republican nomination, everybody would pretend to denigrate it until pornography won the White House. (Luckily, it opted not to enter the race, in favor of keeping its commentator gig and its home in Alaska.) And thanks to the interwebs, our love affair with pornography has only intensified: We can download the smut as as quickly as Vivid can make it, and we don’t need to justify ourselves to anyone; we only need tell the Mrs. David Duchovny that we’re “researching a role.”
It’s only natural, given our penchant for them, that we would aspire to make dirty pictures of ourselves. And in the past year, the fad has really caught fire: In less than eight months we’ve had Anthony Weiner, we’ve had Scarlett Johansson, and now we have Is Anyone Up?, easily the most disgusting spectacle to stream through the tubes since HuffPo mounted AOL. I don’t want to panic you, but I fear we’re moving towards some sort of amateur porn singularity, in which new iPhones come preloaded (not what I meant) with nude photos of you.
As it is now a foregone conclusion that your naked photos will find their way into the world, the least you can do is control the quality of those pictures. I have a few suggestions on that order:
Keep the phone out of the shot, if possible. Use the five-second self timer (there’s one in Vignette for Android; not sure what you’d use in iPhone), or point the lens directly at yourself using that bathroom mirror to look at the screen. There’s nothing wrong with having the phone in the shot, but you’ll get a more natural facial expression if you’re looking directly into the lens.
Don’t write stuff on your body. We are not a billboard.
Don’t trust to bathroom light. It makes your skin look yellow.
A quarter-turn to the lens, shoot from high, angle your arms slightly to hide your love handles. Um, yeah. Obviously I’d want to … I mean, you would want to do that.